From Russia with Language Barriers: 2018 World Cup Coverage

By Diego Matamoros

June 18, 2018

Welcome to the World Cup

We here at the Shady Dealer are proud to present our coverage of the 2018 World Cup, the most notable sporting event in Vladimir Putin’s Russia since the introduction of professional political imprisonment in the early 2000s.

In what promises to be an exciting and soccer-filled soccer tournament, 31 of the world’s top teams –and Saudi Arabia–have descended upon Russia to see who will become world champion and take home the big prize: Putin’s virginity and the finest handle of Stoynichya vodka!

Yes, welcome to the big leagues, ladies and gentlemen; it is during the World cup–the biggest stage on earth–where dreams are made, the hopes of entire nations are dashed, legends are born, and Americans occasionally tune in to ‘see what’s going on’.

And your guides throughout all of this will be two of the Dealer’s very own sports commentators, Diego E. Maradona and Sir Nigel Davies-MacIntyre.

Maradona–no not that one– is our token Latino commentator who was disappointingly born in Portland, Oregon, to two deeply Argentinian parents. Bumbling, incompetent, and easily confused, what he lacks in skill he makes up for in enthusiasm, love of the game, and another synonym.

[Note: Representatives from the real Diego Maradona have asked us to make it explicitly clear that Diego E. Maradona is in no way, shape, or form related to, or even an acquaintance of, the real Diego Maradona. Like seriously, not even a little bit.]

Joining Mr. Maradona is Sir Nigel Davies-MacIntyre, a minor celebrity who earned a knighthood after voicing FIFA 2007 with his perfect blend of English and Scottish condescension. Sir Nigel, as he will be referred to henceforth, has not let fame go to his head, however; he was already a huge asshole to begin with and is already obviously exasperated by having to work with such amateurs.

And with that, the stage is set. Sir Nigel and Maradona the Lesser have just set out for Russia aboard Spirit Airlines flight SP435–flight number included just in case–and should arrive within the month. Welcome to what will certainly be a quite the journey, or, as they say in Russia, “a long walk.” Join us next time, live from Sochi Russia, with the most incompatible news team ever.