First Year Drops All Four Classes In Order To Focus On Student Council
By Hakim Lahlou
Oct. 9, 2016
In a shocking turn of events, a prospective Student Council member had to be forcibly removed from the UChicago campus, after accidentally dropping out of school. The Administration is currently under fire for being blissfully unaware of this student’s situation for the past two weeks.The University’s only comment so far is that “i
I was fortunate enough to interview this ex-student, but I am currently unable to release his name due to privacy concerns. He has asked to only be identified by his twitter handle, @theRealDeanBoyer. When asked the reason behind the actions he took, @theRealDeanBoyer stated that “as a double major in both Econ and Computer Science, time became a rare commodity. I wanted to focus my energy on making a difference on the campus, but I made a mistake thinking that the Student Council was the way to do it”. His statement reeked of regret and just reeked in general, since @theRealDeanBoyer has not had access to any shower facilities for the past few days.
The only thing that stunk more than his actual person was his platform. Like every other first-year-candidate, he was puffing steam without understanding what being “student council” actually meant. His campaign was modelled after the ever so popular strategies of the 2016 presidential campaign. @theRealDeanBoyer was faring well in the polls until his infamous 3 A.M.”Tampon Gate” tweet. It did not matter that no gender was stated in the original tweet, the candidate’s opponent assumed that he did and that was all she needed. The rest of the scandal was political suicide, leaving a gruesome scene that no number of tampons could clean up.
After that segment of the interview, @theRealDeanBoyer became less responsive, suffering from some of the event’s residual trauma. Faint ramblings of “the letter” and “trigger warnings” escaped his mouth. I ended the interview there, because that is a can of worms I did not want to open.
