First year Displays Dominance by Sexiling Roommate, Urinating on Laptop

By Isaac Krone

Aug. 10, 2014

After a devastating thirteen hours of sexile, Hitchcock resident Ryan Thompson was able to re-enter his beloved room—a room now deeply scarred by a bitter battle for sexual dominance.

Thompson reports the room is still marked by the scent of sex, candy, pheromones, and urine. He guesses that in the time he was barred from his residence, roommate and all-around alpha male Alex Mannekin speedily copulated with an unidentified female, presumed to be a first-year in Hitchcock House.

Upon re-entry into the room, Thompson was assaulted by the aroma of urea, which he reports was exacerbated by the fact that all of the windows were closed in order to perpetuate the stench of his roommate’s musk. He soon identified his laptop as the epicenter of the smell and investigated it further.

Thompson found not only the sticky remnants of his roommate’s urine upon his keyboard, but clear bite marks along the lateral edges of his wireless mouse.

Further scrutiny of his demolished room revealed large rub marks on the room’s wood surfaces and a used condom on Thompson’s pillow.

“I really don’t know what to do,” said a confused Thompson. “How can I possibly confront someone I barely know and ask him why he peed on my computer?”

Thompson spent the time he was barred from his territory sleeping in an armchair in the adjacent room 323.

“It was kind of a rough night,” said Thompson, whose well-coiffed pompadour belied his apparent lack of sleep.

“Alex let me know about 9:45 last night that he’d need the room, and I was cool with that. But I wasn’t quite ready for to sleep on my neighbors’ floor with my head stuck into the fireplace. Luckily the guys let me switch to the chair at 2 or 3 AM. Man, that tile is cold,” he commented.

Ryan says that his experience had the fortunate effect of bringing him closer to his floormates Sandeep and Ted, who were more than happy to host their neighbor.

He muses that they likely appreciated his contributions to their late-night discussion of Coen Brothers movies, since they helped in drowning out the discomforting noises that could be clearly heard through the wall Ted and Sandeep share with room 324.

At press time, Mannekin was locking tusks in a crowd of rutting first-years and was not available for comment.