First Snow is a Credit Whore

By Second Snow

Nov. 9, 2013

Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the summer off in Buckingham Fountain; Frigid Bridget went to Alaska and stormed over a hockey game; my old friend Snowen Wilson migrated to the Andes to chill out over a ski resort. But of course, precious First Snow volunteered at a food bank. Probably no more than a half-hour per week. That’s the kind of girl she is – always boosting her résumé.

Anyways, after making small talk, we met up at Snow Command to coordinate our descent on the Midwest, and we’d got a doozy planned. Biggest in years. Gold Teamwas briefed for a pinpoint landing in St. Louis; Red Team would flank the Michigan weather radars and bring the kids a surprise snow day. But then, just when we thought everything was “sleet, snow, and ready-to-go,” we looked down and saw that First Snow totally jumped the gun! She was fluttering on down in the limelight while the rest of us Snows sat up here like assholes.

And everyone celebrated her! Kids ran outside in their snowpants and danced around. Parents embraced each other in sweaters and watched from the window playing songs on their like stereos like “Let it Snow,” “White Christmas,” and “Snow (Hey Oh).” First Snow was immortalized in photos of snowmen and igloos. And by the time the rest of us rushed down, we were greeted with curses. “Ugh, more snow!” “Damn this cold!” “Woof Woof, let’s pee in it!” they shout at us. Well, it’s not our fault that we have to land in First Snow’s old slush, without a chance of sustaining the pure white blanket these kids demand!

Why should First Snow get to flutter around like a butterfly in the breeze while the rest of us are slandered? It’s not like we’re God’s kidney stones, the hail. We’re snow, too! And doesn’t anyone think it’s unbecoming that people haven’t even put on gloves yet and she’s already going down on them? First Snow isn’t any flakier or colder than the rest of us! Where does she get off? And when did it become okay for one storm to steal the glory from everybody? Because that’s not what Chicago is about! WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB FIRST SNOW!