Exclusive: Forgive Me Father for I Have Sinned: Judas Caught Kissing Jesus!

By Terry Hines (32 A.D.)

Jan. 24, 2014

Our holy father was spotted turning the other cheek yesterday – for Judas to plant another sloppy kiss on him! Lately, rumors of Jesus’ sexuality have been multiplying like five loaves of bread and two fish and have been the talk of the multitude. Jesus doesn’t talk about his love life, only answering surface level questions, but I’m not God’s son and cannot walk on water so I dove into finding the truth of Jesus’ love for his neighbors.

Some may be skeptical about Jesus’ sexual leanings, given that his upcoming book contains a few lines that may imply opposition to homosexuality. But what else do you say about a long-haired man who lives and travels with twelve other men and has never been seen wearing pants? What does Jesus know about family values? His hippie parents chose for him to be born in a manger, instead of his mother almost dying delivering him in a dirt-floored inn room. Jesus claims to be a carpenter, which is a perfect cover story because God’s son has been working plenty of wood. The Holy Spirit lives in all of us, but not like Jesus lives in Judas.

For being omniscient, Jesus is so behind on the trends! Having sex with men is totally ancient Greece! The popular relationship trends today are to have multiple wives and the occasional daughter sacrifice. If you ask me, Jesus’ relationship with Judas is only headed one way, with Judas getting Jesus nailed on some stiff, stiff wood.