Editorial: What’s the curve on this nuclear test?

By Kim Jong-un

Feb. 24, 2013

Professor? Hey, professor?

I was just wondering – about that test last week?

Yeah, the nuclear test. We had to set off the device underground and everything and make an earthquake.

So like, as I said, I was just wondering. What was the average? Like, thirty–forty range? It was a pretty hard test, no? A lot of countries had trouble with it?

Oh..

Well, what was the median? Couldn’t have been that high, right? I talked to all my allies – well, my ally – and they – well, he – said that it was pretty tough too.

I see.

So if someone were to get, like, say, a bit below the average – not too much, but like, some, well, quite a bit, actually, below the average – what score would they need on the final to get a B?

Ah okay… hmm.

And is there any proliferation – I mean, tutoring – available? I feel like I need to strengthen my foundation on all of this nuclear stuff. God, I’m trying too hard. I’ve locked myself – well, my citizens – in the library for weeks trying to study for this class. Seriously. Throw me a bone here.

So, well, sorry to ask again, but, just one more thing, about the test – I know the quake wasn’t that big but I studied really hard and turned in all the homework – sure, like, it kind of fizzled out at the end, but I’ve been trying really hard – attending extra enrichment programs – is there any way – ? Okay. Gonna be frank here. If I don’t pass this test they’re gonna take away my foreign aid. My whole future is in the balance here.

Mercy? Any mercy at all?

God, I can’t believe I bombed that test.