Economics Major Enlightens Bernie Sanders

By Mary Vansuch

Oct. 16, 2015

Yesterday, Bret Whitefish was just another second-year economics major. Today, however, he became a national American hero. Feeling sorry for Senator Bernie Sanders’ economic ignorance, the second-year decided to give the presidential hopeful a call to explain basic economic principles.

“When I was watching the Democratic debate with my house,” said Whitefish. “I couldn’t help but notice that Senator Sanders didn’t seem to understand simple economics. Even though he hasn’t taken Sanderson’s class, I figured I could still enlighten him about the fundamental principles of economics that his rhetoric lacked. With a copy of the Wealth of Nations and an open heart cavity, anyone can understand economics.”

Senator Sanders remained silent during the call, allowing Bret to explain his criticism at length from the point of view of a marginalized economics major. Shortly after, Senator Sanders held a joint press conference with the second-year to explain that he is now a capitalist.

“I don’t know how I missed these ideas,” said Sanders, “Of course increasing taxes on Wall Street bankers would harm the middle class. I wish I had taken introduction to micro- or macroeconomics while I was at the University of Chicago. Maybe then I wouldn’t have made such blasphemous statements or forgotten that capitalism is this nation’s true creator.”

At press time, Bret could be seen entering a joint private meeting with Senator Sanders and the CEO of Goldman Sachs for the good of the American people.