Drinking sweet tea above the Mason-Dixon is cultural appropriation

By Liam Coles

April 23, 2016

CJust the other day, controversy broke out recently after it was discovered that several groups above the Mason Dixon line have been were selling the beverage, originally from the Southern united states, known as “sweet tea.“ Many Southerners and Southern groups have been calling this an unjust act of “cultural appropriation” on behalf of the North.

To many in the South, non-Dixielanders drinking sweet tea not only belittles Southern excellence but belittles Southern identity. In an official statement, Southern equality and independence group Confederate American Rights decried the appropriation of its cultural heritage: “For hundreds of years, Southerners have been brewing this tea to induce diabetes in Southerners only.

“Simply put, sweet tea above the Mason Dixon is tantamount to the commoditization of Dixie traditions for Yankee tongues. Yankees find themselves to be superior, despite not only having inferior unsweetened tea, but also subpar barbeque, and the complete ignorance to the beauty that is the grit.”

Many believe that the Nnorth “discovered” the pancreas-killing beverage after several carpetbaggers came back from good old Dixie and appropriated to the Northerners. Noted Southern Rights Activist and “wizard“ David Duke added “Sweet tea is a small part, of a larger, diabetic, heart-disease-ridden, questionably racist, gaudy whole that the Yankee must undergo before he can consume Sweet Tea without shame. Until the Yankee embraces all that comes with southern culture, he may have his tea without sugar.”

Many groups representing the North addressed the issue. Yankee restaurant Shake Shack has released a statement apologizing for the shameful handling of the issue and “regret any emotional harm to anyone who thought that the company belittled Southern heritage through its sale of cold tea with excessive amounts of sugar.”

Several politicians have come to the side of these activists. Most notably, retired Georgia Senator and amalgamation of satisfying syllables Saxby Chambliss immediately began calling for legislation in order to prevent monstrosities such as sweet tea above the Mason Dixon from continuing. “I am abhorred that the North has been continually taking Southern heritage away from the South. First the flag, now this. I plan to formulate legislation to effectively end the North’s stealing of ingenious Southern ideas.” Chambliss later added, “I hope we can resolve this issue soon so we can go back to fighting real issues, such as blocking LGBT and women’s rights.”