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Feb. 15, 2016
John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College at the University of Chicago, spent a romantic and relaxing Valentine’s Day alone in his office, primarily responding to emails from the University’s Office of Risk Management, according to sources close to the Dean.
After responding to every one of the dozens of legally volatile emails in his inbox with carefully worded instructions, the Dean was able to unwind with a sensual bubble bath, during which Ellison re-read every page of the legal liability waivers the University maintains with each campus fraternity, highlighting potentially exploitableosive passages to later forward to the University’s in-house legal counselUniversity’s legal department.
“I can get so caught up to work from day to day, I don’t stop to appreciate the more romantic side of my personality,” said Ellison,. “That’s why I like to take Valentine’s day to remind myself that I am a man who needs to be loved, but also that I still need to draft a vague and legally unassailable campus-wide email for Monday morning.”
The Dean’s sensual day began at five a.m., with “breakfast in bed,” which is how the Dean refers to the stack of student sexual assault casesdisputes delivered each weekmorning to the small foldingable cot underneath his desk. At 7 a.m., the Dean enjoyed a bowl of plain oatmeal while texting his wife “happy v-day honey. b home tuesday.” Later, after responding to an email detailing a possible Title IX violation by the University, Ellison also indulged in a single Hershey’s kiss, eaten over the course of 15 minutes.
According to sources, the highlight of Dean Ellison’s Valentine’s Day was a Subway sandwich, eaten in his windowless office while taking an intimate and personal conference call with the legal representation of a professor accused of sexual harassment. Reports indicated that Ellison had obtained and lit a single “Fresh Cut Roses” scented Yankee Candle for the occasion.
At press time, Dean Ellison had crossed “Bobby’s hockey game” off of his day planner, and replaced it with “forum on campus climate survey.”
