Dean Boyer Reads Plato’s Republic, Announces Plan to Exile All Creative Writing Majors

By Sam Stephenson

Oct. 26, 2018

Dean Boyer, having recently read Plato’s Republic, announced that all Creative Writing majors would be exiled from University premises effective immediately. In an official statement justifying the decision, Boyer wrote, “The University of Chicago has only exposed students to the great thinkers of antiquity. However, we have failed to demonstrate their continued relevance by putting their theories into practice; that ends now.”

To prevent poetry from further corrupting students, he has considered setting up an inquisition to root out Creative Writing sympathizers and force them to repent. In addition, he has decided to make anyone who has read poetry in the past month take a ritualistic bath to cleanse them of their sins. Though English majors have been spared from Boyer’s purge, he plans to relegate them to a ‘sort of leper colony’ at Stony Island.

Boyer sees this decision as the first of a new wave of policies designed to implement ancient philosophical theories into the University. “Why simply tell our students about the Hobbesian state of war when we can turn campus into an anarchic hellscape where life is nasty, brutish, and short?” stated Boyer, seemingly unaware that this situation was not far from the truth. Other proposed curriculum changes include teaching Aristotelian physics, replacing chemistry with alchemy, and adding a course on bloodletting to the pre-med track. In order to house the new facilities required for these changes, Boyer has suggested erecting a literal ivory tower in the center of campus.

The announcement was met with controversy amongst faculty and students alike.  Many praised Boyer, calling him a champion of truth and justice. Dean Nondorf, however, led a coalition that strongly opposed Boyer’s decision. “Plato was a hack. The philosophers, not the poets, are the true enemy,” commented Nondorf before demanding that all philosophy professors be forced to drink hemlock for corrupting the youth.

Boyer was last seen dressed as the Pied Piper, trying to lure Creative Writing majors off campus by playing a recording of Hamlet. Thus far six students have been spotted following him around, completely mesmerized.