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Oct. 17, 2016
According to insider reports, area undergraduate student Molly Green unintentionally ruined the vibe of an UChicago campus tour given by Ben Smith earlier this week by crying loudly in front of the Regenstein library.
“UChicago is more than a school, it’s a home,” Smith described in a booming voice while walking backwards toward the visibly distressed Green. Onlookers appeared to experience cognitive dissonance while they listenedattended to Smith’s enthusiastic praise of the university as well asand Green’s simultaneous weepingweeping simultaneously.
“We were listening to the tour guide explain how loving and supportive the campus community is,” explains area mother Shelby Ruche. “But [Green’s] sobbing made it difficult to hear the specifics.”
Other participants offered similar sentiments. “I was trying to pay attention to Ben’s comments about the abundance of mental health resources on campus,” said noted prospective student Patrick Doughy, “but I couldn’t stop watching that one girl blowing her nose into her shirt. It was really gross and sad.”
Green, 20, is currently struggling to maintain a healthy life-work balance while she maintains her GPA, participates in multiple RSOs, and volunteers on the weekends while sleeping approximately 5 hours per night. “I… can’t… keep… doing… this,” Green explained to the Dealer during an exclusive, spluttering interview.
“Yeah, I was a little annoyed,” Smith confided to a Dealer representative about the encounter. “It’s hard enough to maintain an air of excitement while mentioning the impressive 6:1 student-to-faculty ratio and 400+ recognized student organizations without competing with the sound of Molly moaning and thrashing around on the ground.”
At press time, Smith was describing his positive experience with UChicago dining in front of a student vomiting into a trashcan.
