Circle Jerk More of an Oval

By Evan Bernstein

April 20, 2014

Over the past week, The Dealer has received numerous phone calls, anonymous tips, and letters regarding this weekend’s horrific event on the North Side. The Circle Jerk is a proud tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation, father to son, and is sacred for those who participate, according to anonymous interviews conducted by this publication. It is a hallowed ritual, and it is for that reason that detail and precision are of such vital importance in the matter.

It’s in the name for heck’s sake! What would have become of Arthur’s Knights if they had sat around in a malformed hexagon? Could the band behind classics like Turn Down Day have possibly succeeded if they called themselves The Rektyngle? Gosh now, is it the oval of life? Certainly not. It is possible to imagine, then, the disgust of some participants in last week’s “circle” jerk who looked around themselves only to see a group of naked, middle-aged men, each stroking his neighbor’s erect penis, in a completely un-geometric fashion. Horrific!

One Chicagoan who wished to remain anonymous wrote to The Dealer describing his dismay when, male organ in hand, he looked across the room last Sunday to see an utter lack of uniformity among his peers. The unevenness, the haphazard changes in concavity- it must have been a truly bizarre scene to witness!

One can imagine that, when jerking off the man to his right, while simultaneously being pleasured by the man to his left (who is himself being sexually aroused by the man to his left), a participant would naturally expect there to be a point in between them all such that each participant was at an equal distance.

At the time that a member of this eccentric group – be it a politician, a teacher, a reporter, or anybody – was in the midst of orgasm, ejaculating forward into an ever-growing accumulation of the ejaculate of his colleagues, he would absolutely require that the angle between any tangent to his group and a chord through the point of contact be equal to the angle in the alternate segment formed by subtending chords!

Please excuse the urgency present in this article; know only that it reflects the tone of the many letters that were received by this reporter. And phone calls. This is all based on hard reporting, solid journalism, and erect facts. Circles are sacred. Circlejerks are sacred. Stay safe, America.