Chances of Asteroid-Earth Romance are Astronomically Small

By James Ekstrom

Oct. 27, 2013

Asteromance experts around the world agree that area asteroid 40670 has little to no chance of success in its recent romantic advances toward the planet Earth. While the clear attraction between 40670 and Earth is widely acknowledged, this pull is unfortunately just as clearly one-sided. Moreover, while Earth has been known to have flings with thousands of other asteroids in the past, these relationships have historically ended up going down in flames. The Dealer reached out to Haley, a longtime companion of Earth, for comment: “I’ve known Earth a long time, and sure, she makes a good friend to drop by and see once every so often, but you never want to get too close, you know?” When asked whether there was any romantic tension between Earth and old friend the Moon, Haley said, “Earth keeps him close, but that’s just because she only ever sees his bright side.”

Scientists have calculated that 40670 has, at best, 20,000:1 odds of having even the briefest relationship with Earth. Even these odds are enough to inspire jealousy in Earth’s longtime deadbeat boyfriend, Humanity, which has issued a statement that if 40670 so much as comes near Earth that they will do everything in their power to destroy it. While there has been concern that Humanity’s eating, smoking, and drinking habits, among others, have had disastrous consequences for Earth’s health, experts remain skeptical that the relationship will end any time in the near future.

UPDATE: As of 4:00 PM CDT, Humanity has been distressedby the appearance of an evident hickey left by 40670 on the San Francisco Bay Area.