Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather

By Nico Aldape

Dec. 28, 2018

In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part of the Gargoylus Carthagodelendaest species dominant in the U.S. and Canada, they tend to migrate towards the American South as well as Mexico. 

Though the mass exodus has truly begun with the plummeting temperatures, the Shady Dealer managed to bump into a few departing gargoyles before they departed. 

“I’m headed out west to Baja California Sur,” said longtime Cobb gargoyle Xercantyx. “Partly cause the weather looks nice, but mostly cause the name literally means ‘Southern Lower California.’ There are three Californias, and more of a good thing is a good thing, right?” 

She added that it would be easier on her in Baja California Sur because the cold weather here makes her wind stiff, impeding her nightly hunts for their also-migrating brethren, geese. Xercantyx continued by saying gargoyles are actually geese’s number one predators in winter, and that goose honks are communication used to alert others of a gargoyle’s presence. 

“One time I was called in to Dean Ellison’s office because I kept trying to eat student’s Canada Goose jackets. I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do that! I definitely haven’t done that again. Or eaten any students.” she mouthed, cleaning some down and red-stained black fabric material from her teeth. 

Other gargoyles, citing passport concerns or length of travel, chose to stay in the country. 

Booth gargoyle Indixoroth is going to Florida for the holiday, as his grandparents moved there from New York after retiring from the Empire State Building. 

The Booth gargoyle population would like to keep anonymity and asked the Shady Dealer to not point out their exact location (or locations? We gotta keep it ambiguous, sorry). 

“I hear one more uptight Connecticut fuck talk about a startup pitch, I’m going to fucking scream,” said Indixoroth. “Is this really considered the best business school in the country? Deadass?” 

Citing the state’s abundance of all things orange, he guessed that Floridian’s per capita mimosa consumption must be off the charts. He also admitted to being something of an ecological tourist, citing Florida’s slogan as the “Sunshine State” and its vibrant animal and plant wildlife. 

“Given all the weird shit that goes on and lives in Florida, I don’t even stick out. Humans are just like, ‘Oh cool, a gargoyle! Watch out for that methed-up crocodile next to you, though, he got into the stash and has been tweaking like hell!’” 

Joanna, another gargoyle also going to Florida, told the Shady Dealer she intends to make his move to Florida permanent with a timeshare in the Everglades to “get away from the bullshit.” 

“Time to blow this Popsicle stand. I can’t stand this place or any of you. It doesn’t seem like you can either.”