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Jan. 27, 2017
Mandel Hall – 9:30 P.M.
Following reports of screams, chaos, and general unrest at Mandel Hall, eyewitnesses have confirmed that the sisters of Pi Beta Phi began their annual Arrowfest celebration with the ritual human sacrifice of one of their pledges. Attendees, who came to Arrowfest expecting a carefree night of singing and dancing, where shocked and horrified to watch the sorority members don identical black hoods and brutally sacrifice an unidentified pledge “in the glorious name of our Dark God Beelzebub.”
“It was hard to even know what was happening at first,” said horrified bystander Sarah Gutierrez. “At first, I thought that the pentagrams and ritualistic chanting were part of their act, but when I heard the sorority president start shrieking about how the sacred spilling of blood would bring 10,000 years of darkness and despair upon our campus, I knew something was up.”
Arrowfest began in 2014 as a philanthropic gesture by Pi Beta Phi and generally featured live music, giveaways, and a lip syncing competition. This year, however, bystanders found none of these activities, and were instead invited to participate in a “Dark Mass” in which several religious texts were ceremonially burned and sisters preached in the unholy language of the Netherworld. In lieu of food and drinks, pledges served goblets of ox blood and the entrails of freshly slain spring lambs.
“The minute I saw the enormous goat skull that they [Pi Beta Phi] had hung over the stage in Mandel Hall, I knew it was time to get out of there,” said second year Alex Jefferson, who left Arrowfest before the sacrifice took place. “As I was leaving, one of the sisters grabbed and started screaming about how my soul rightfully belonged to Lucifer and that I was doomed to suffer eternally in and endless living nightmare on Earth. The whole thing was pretty fucked.”
Multiple bystanders echoed Jefferson’s sentiments. “I came to Arrowfest to have a fun time watching my friends sing and dance. Instead, I watched the sisters of Pi Beta Phi commit a satanic murder. I’d say it was one of the most scarring, dehumanizing, heartless things I’ve ever seen,” said third year Jenny Gonzalez. “But, all in all, it was still better than last year’s Mr. University competition.”
Pi Beta Phi could not be reached for comment on the sacrifice. However, several sisters have since been seen on the main quad attempting to raise the dead using unholy enchantments far beyond the limits of mortal comprehension.
