Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters Refuse To Believe They Evolved From Humans

By Ryan Fleishman

May 5, 2018

Terra, 3708

Following the Council Of the Wise’s decision to introduce evolution into breeding pod curriculum, the Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters has formally announced their refusal to acknowledge evolution as a fact, especially in regard to humans.

 “I can’t accept that we evolved from those stupid hominids. They have only two tentacles! They aren’t even purple!” said Association Vanguard Ch’Turggah while violently shaking their 3 heads in unison. “I simply cannot believe that our race has any genetics in common with creatures who can’t calculate space-time equations in any of their heads.”

“The Association of Giant Tentacle Monsters needs to understand that evolution exists and creates new species through promoting advantageous features like laser vision and tentacles with suction cups, while discarding disadvantageous features such as the appendix and gender,” countered Wise Chairman Xel’Torath while running a tentacle through their beard on each of their three heads. 

“Just because humans are not extinct does not mean evolution is false. We simply branched out into different paths of evolution, with humans developing strong legs to traverse the world and us tentacle monsters developing tentacles to voyage through the murky darkness of the Eternal Abyss.” Xel’Torath proceeded to show fossils of ancient humans that contained mini-tentacles at the end of each arm, which they believe are a precursor to the tentacle monsters of today.

The official stance of the Association of Giant Tentacle monsters is that the false theory of evolution will soil the minds of our broodspawn and lead to moral degradation. The Tentacle Pope also vouched against evolution, on the grounds that God created tentacle monsters in the image of Themself. The Tentacle Pope’s proclamation may very well sway the Council of the Wise, as over 89% of tentacle monsters are devout Roman Catholics.