Area Father Not Ready to Give Up on Windows XP

By Dan Lastres

March 1, 2015

Expressing his affection for the operating system’s utilitarian design and simplistic color scheme, local father Milton Ford told reporters that he’s sticking with Windows XP for the time being.

“XP’s a great system and I already know how to use it,” said Ford, explaining that there’s no need to update to Windows 8.

“The other systems are just too flashy, and I don’t want to have to reinstall Spider Solitaire. Plus, my buddy Alan told me that they upgraded at his office, and the new system has a lot of bugs that need to be worked out.”

Ford went on to say that he was pretty much an expert at restarting the computer, and that doing it a couple times per day just didn’t seem like a serious inconvenience to him.

The family computer, a Dell desktop situated on the cluttered half-desk between the kitchen and living room, has served the Ford family for almost twelve years now. In that time it has accumulated two viruses, a good deal of adware, and no Java upgrades.

“It’s completely non-functional. I can’t even use it to look at porn, because I always go flaccid waiting for videos or pictures to load.” Ford’s youngest son Declan said in a confidential interview with The Dealer. “Please, don’t quote me on that.“

Now entering high school, Declan needs a functional computer for schoolwork. But his father Milton insists that he either cope with the family computer’s more deliberate pace, or that he handwrite his essays and college applications.

“Milton is just lying to himself. The computer can’t do anything other than turn on, freeze, and display a screen saver,” said Mr. Ford’s wife Desiree. She went on to explain that he’s started to entertain himself by watching his favorite screen saver, a 3D network of pipes, build up across the screen.

“As far as I’m concerned, we’ll be sticking to XP until there’s a damn good reason to upgrade. If it’s lasted this long, who’s to say it won’t be just as functional for a couple more years?” said Ford, who still drives a 1985 two-door Chevy Monte Carlo with a broken catalytic converter.