America’s Most European Supermarket, Indeed: Treasure Island Files for Bankruptcy

By Chicago Shady Dealer News Desk

Sept. 29, 2018

Treasure Island, a Hyde Park grocery store that touts itself as “America’s Most European Supermarket” took its emulation of Europe a step further today, announcing that it was bankrupt after years of serious financial problems. The announcement, inspired by persistent economic turmoil in the EU, has set the store apart as one of the most authentic havens of European culture in Hyde Park. 

 
“We’re always thinking of ways to make your TI experience as genuine as possible, whether it’s our overpriced imported snacks or dreary, mouldy ambience,” said manager William Bixby. “So, when we saw that the European Union was being devastated by financial issues and ineffective economic policy, we knew just how to incorporate that into our store.” 
 
The supermarket, following the example of the EU’s member nations, accrued massive debts that it had no ability to pay off. Its management descended into petty squabbles, making it difficult for the store to address its financial woes. After the failure of supermarket-wide austerity measures and the departure of the store’s bread department (commonly referred to as Breadxit), Treasure Island filed for bankruptcy and was finally forced to close its doors. 
 
“It couldn’t have gone better,” continued Bixby. “The whole thing was a disaster right up to the end; it was just like our own little slice of Europe.”
 
Treasure Island will be replaced by a Russian-owned grocery store conglomerate, which plans to open another twelve stores in Hyde Park by the end of the fiscal year.