America is Ready for Florida Values

By Marco Rubio

Feb. 2, 2016

Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about Donald Trump and his New York values. Values like yelling, rudeness, pickles, complaining, “‘fahgettingbout things“’, pigeons, and elitism. Well, as the Senator from the great state of Florida, I think what America really needs are good old Florida values.

See, Florida is thea state of ultimate freedom. We believe you should be able to do bath salts on the side of I-95. We believe you should be able to get a 15% discount on your dinner if you arrive at the restaurant at 4:30. We believe you should be able to escape war crimes you committed in Latin America because youand come live here now. We believe you should be able to buy a McMansion built on a swamp with no credit history. We believe that whatever your dream is, should be a reality.

What I love most about Florida is that we don’t need the government. We are free from its oppressive tentacles. We don’t need the government to fish gators out of our above ground pools. We don’t need the government to fish our mobile homes out of sinkholes. And we don’t need the government to tell us we can’t swim with potentially “lethal“ orca“killer” whales. We don’t need government “‘rules“’ telling us how to operate our thriving public schools.

Frankly, I wish America was more like Florida: full of Publixs, golf courses, mosquitos, carnies, and evacuation routes. And Florida values are clearly superior to New York values. Why else would thousands of New Yorkers movecome here each year?

America is a lot like me. Though I have many great features, my penis is my greatest one. It’s time that America pays more attention to its penis and votes to welcome a “New American Century.”