America is Great Again: Looking Back at Trump’s First Two Years

By Liam Coles

Jan. 22, 2016

WASHINGTON, 2019– Just yesterday on 19th March 2019 around 6:30 PM EST, just over two years since President Trump took office, America officially became great again. Living up to President Trump’s campaign slogan, the country is now back to its former glory, thanks to the president’s being a really, really smart guy.

Most people did not trust the president when he made radical claims about fixing America with no realistic policy ideas to back up such audacious claims. However, that did not stop him. Just 103 days into his presidency, he negotiated with the then Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto to erect a Mexican funded border wall. The Mexican political party PANPRI, a supporter of the proposal, put forth the statement, “Not only does this wall prevent the continual mass exodus from our country, but it also keeps the megalomaniac running the US out.”

The $265B wall, completed in 2018 and costing a total of $0 to the American taxpayers, dramatically reduced both the homicide and rape rates in the US to record lows.

Our nation’s star, Tthe Don, revived American greatness with his domestic policies as well. Living up to his bold claim, he has become “the greatest jobs president God has ever created.” He dropped real unemployment to nearly 1%, rose GDP (PPP) growth to 7% per year, and added 4.5 million jobs to the economy (more than Obama did in his first full term), all while running a budget surplus, shortening income inequality, and cutting taxes across the board.

Such actions have given him praise from not only his populist base but also former critics from both the left and right. Noted macroeconomist and liberal columnist Paul Krugman stated, “I do not know how he did it. This literally defies every rule of macroeconomics I’ve ever read. This is actually lunacy considering how utterly small minded and ridiculous any and all of his policy ideas were during his campaign.”

Due to this economic boom, America has eclipsed the falling star and now tamed economic giant, China, as the greatest economic force on the planet. Trump also coupled this with several crucial trade deals personally negotiated by himself and ChineseUS Ambassador to China Gary Busey.

Furthermore, his crackdown on Muslims entering the country has dramatically reduced terrorism both domestically and abroad, halving death rate by terrorism under Obama or Bush. Additionally, America regained the top position on the world stage after carpet bombing all of ISIS and taking their oil, as Trump promised. His actions have brought lasting peace and stability to the Middle East and, more importantly, freed Americans from the chains of inflated OPEC oil prices.

Vice President Mark Cuban, after hearing the news that America was once again great, confidently said, “It just makes sense. We finally put a group of winners in the White House, who know how to get things done. We are extremely smart white men; running a country comes natural to people like us. It’s a no brainer America is great again.”

In addition to his major feats, Trump has made America great again by improving national relations with “the blacks,” finally deporting that fat pig Rosie O’Donnell, and officially renaming Arbor Day “Jeb Bush is a Pussy” Day.