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Aug. 9, 2015
I’m not normally one to write a review, but I feel it’s my civic duty to warn my fellow students about a plague upon the House Systemhousing system. I’m formally giving my new RA one star out of five. Let me tell you why.
I returned to housing as a second-year this September, eager to see my friends, lose my student ID, and retrieve my “weed” that I had stashed away for later last June. I thought it was going to be a triumphant homecoming. But as soon as I made my bed and hugged my returning RA, I was called to an emergency house meeting.
“Hey folks, I’m Earl, and I’m your new RA,” said Earl, the new RA. “I’ve never lived in university housing before, but I’m eager to start.” Everyone in the lounge exchanged puzzled glances. What a mysterious fellow! Where did he come from? And what sort of wisdom did he have to impart?
Many of us experienced house-livers were skeptical at first, but we thought he’d adjust quickly and acclimatize to our community. It turns out we should have always trusted our guts and never trusted any optimistic possibility of social improvement. Earl continued talking with the confidence of a cowboy who just narrowly won a duel: “I know I’m new, folks, but I’d like to make a few changes around here.” Several of us seasoned residents rolled our eyes. We’d seen people try to change us before, and we knew it was never going to work. So imagine our surprise when Earl told us to “please, be seated” and proceeded to belittle us like the bunch of helpless infants we weren’t.
While he first appeared weak, meek, and ugly, Earl suddenly commanded the lounge with a vocal presence I’ve only ever seen in wartime pump-up ralliesNazi propaganda films. He was stern—more than stern., Hhe was loud. My ears suffered one thousand tiny deaths as he screamed his new rules at us:
“Change number one!” Earl yodeled. “I am instituting lock–down hours. The house is unsafe, folks, and the only way we can change that is to enforce a mandatory curfew. All residents must be in the house between the hours of 3pm and 9am. No exceptions. We will do a headcount every day.” Sure… our RA last year said that too, but we knew it wasn’t for real!.
Earl continued with his booming speech: “Change number two! I know you all love the lounge, which is why I kindly decided to open it up on Thursdays. That’s right, folks, you can and must be in the lounge all day long on Thursdays, and no other days. I’m calling this improvement ‘Lounge Thursdays.’” What a prick. Doesn’t he know we HATE the lounge on Thursdays, and hope to only hang out there on certain Wednesdays and Saturdays? How lame.
“I’m already sensing a bit of an attitude problem with you folks,” Earl thundered. “Which brings me to change number three! Four days a week, during lock–down hours, we will have mandatory etiquette class. We are using a rigorous buddy system for etiquette class, and I expect you all to honor it.” Okay, change of pace. This was starting to sound really cool. But Earl interjected with his amplified mouth again — “I’ll be picking your buddies.” Rats.
I won’t bore you with more details, but Earl continued his deafening speech for several hours, ultimately instituting seventy-two changes. He altered a lot about my housedorm, and his modifications stuck. While I could live with the punishment cage and the nightly bedtime stories and tuck-ins, I was not a fan of the one-size-fits-all house uniforms we were all required to eat, sleep, and shower in. I also wasn’t a fan of the supervised showers. All of Earl’s rules seemed to come directly from an off-brand dominance/submission porno that I definitely haven’t seenwatched once by accident. When polled, a majority 65% of residents said they felt “not happy and/or neutral” about Earl’s regulations.
Personally, I hate him. Why give him one whole star instead of zero, you ask? Because as miserable as life has been, he’s trying his best, and we’ve gotta give him the benefit of the doubt. Being a new RA is a tough job, and it’s his journey, not ours. So why, you ask, am I not giving him five stars? Plain and simple: I hate that he keeps calling us “folks.”
