8 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Without Ever Speaking Ever

By Evan Bernstein

April 26, 2015

Marital problems? We’ve all been there. Some people will tell you to talk it out, but sometimes it’s best to keep your troubles to yourself and never let anything slip ever no matter what. These eight tips will help you get your marriage back on track without even having to open your mouth once for any reason whatsoever.

1. Look Down a Lot

You might think that not speaking would hinder your communication skills. Not so! Just as much can be said with the eyes as with the voice, maybe even more! Look down at the floor a lot to let him know there’s something wrong and you don’t want to talk about it

2. Sit In a Chair and Stare Out the Window

There’s no better way to get your message across (without speaking, of course) than by watching the sunrise, sunset, and everything between through the kitchen window. This will send a clear signal that you’re really upset and just not willing to discuss it.

3. Break Things and then Pout

Every successful marriage needs attention, and a great way to get attention is by breaking things. He’s going to get mad, but pouting lets him know that there’s something that’s causing you to act out, and he will never ever find out what it is.

4. Stand Right Next to Him While He’s Not Looking

Once your husband notices you, he’s going to get scared for a second. That’s good. Keep him on his toes. Keep him guessing. Never let him know what’s really going on.

5. Doodle the Same Shapes Over and Over

Repetitive drawing patterns will definitely raise some alarms, but the first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging there is one. Whatever you do, don’t tell him what it is.

6. Sleep With Other People

You need to feel loved. You need to feel like a real woman. Besides, he’s probably doing it, too. You’ll never know if you don’t talk about it, so don’t talk about it.

7. Eat in Private

Never let him see you eat.

8. Set Small Fires

Not big ones, just small ones. Big enough that he has to work to put them all out, but not so big that you can’t escape the house and this horrible marriage that is ruining your health and shredding the last remains of your youth oh Jesus you’ve got to get out got to get out it’s really hot in here crawl below the smoke line just get to the front door and you’re free home free you can go anywhere once you cash the life insurance check things are going to be better for you you’re going to be better everything’s going to be better.