30% of UChicago Crushes Written While Masturbating

By Morgan Pantuck

Nov. 9, 2013

Winter is coming, and so, apparently, are our students. New polling data reveals that as many as 30% of UChicago Crushes are actually written while masturbating.

UChicago Crushes is a popular Facebook page for lonely, vain and/or horny students, who use the site to anonymously confess their attraction to fellow classmates, or spot a flattering post about themselves. “We always knew that people were using the site to stroke their own egos,” said Becky Greenberg, the site’s owner. “I guess it’s not an enormous leap to suggest they were stroking other things, too.”

The study’s documentation includes both survey data and representative instances of the phenomenon. “I hope this doesn’t come across as creepy,” wrote senior Andy Morrison, for example, typing with one hand and grasping his erect penis with the other. “But you brighten my day like a ray of sunshine, Amy Duncan.”

Researchers had previously predicted the number of posts written while jacking off would rest between two and five percent . “We figured there were one or two oddballs in there who got off on grandiose compliments and romantic clichés,” explained Dr. Cohen, director of the Center for the Study of Gender and Sexuality. “I mean, it is hard to imagine someone pleasuring themselves while typing a post describing ‘the most supremely blue eyes on campus,’ but stranger things have happened.”

“Unfortunately,” Cohen continued, grimacing, “we put far too much faith in human decency, so our numbers proved grossly inaccurate.”

“I can’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to grow old with you,” submitted first-year Ian Fenster last Tuesday, as he furiously stimulated his own genitals. His post continues, “You are the love of my life. I am inexorably attracted to your incessant pulchrituuuuuu,” whereupon he finished.

According to researchers, it’s difficult to determine whether these students become aroused during the process of writing their posts, or if they were masturbating to begin with and moved to the site in medias rub.

May House resident Jessica Mulberry confided: “I just get really turned on by the idea that Pete Freeman might see my post about his insanely squeezable ass and wonder, ‘is that the weird chick who stares at me in HBC?’” She added, eyes glazing over, “That really puts me on edge.”

As always, there remains more research to be done on the subject. Dr. Cohen will be able to present some new insights later this month, when he publishes his much-anticipated follow-up study, “How Many UChicago Students Masturbate While Writing Posts on Overheard?”