2013 State of the Union: Arkansas
By Mark Sands
Feb. 11, 2013
The Chicago Shady Dealer has obtained an early version of the address that President Obama will deliver tonight in his much-anticipated State of the Union Address. We have included it here for your enjoyment.
Good evening! I come before you tonight to fulfill my annual duty to inform Congress of the state of union. Since I am now secure in re-election, I have no qualms about offending large parts of the electorate in order to do what is right. Thus I am proud to be able to name Arkansas as the 2013 State of the Union.
Although it may not be immediately apparent, Arkansas has contributed more to my administration than any other state. Most obviously, it was responsible for 22.7 percent of my re-election. This may sound counter-intuitive, since 110 percent of Arkansans voted for Mr. Romney. However, Arkansas launched the career of my great friend and inspiration in all that I do as President, Mr. Bill Clinton. Without Arkansas, he never would have been president, and could not have given the speech that single-handedly saved my campaign.
Arkansas has had some struggles recently: they currently rank 49th nationally in household income, but this puts Arkansans in a strong position to understand the struggles of other Americans during this lingering great recession. It has, as a state, also contributed greatly to the prosperity of all Americans by cultivating the world’s greatest retailer, Walmart. Even if the average American is doing worse, their money goes further when you take into account the “always low prices” at Walmart (stop by this week for deals on bacon-covered beef jerky!).
The importance of government has been demonstrated in spectacular form by Arkansas, more so than any other state. Arkansas, specifically Little Rock Central High School, was the site of one of the most prominent national conversations about integration in the 1950s. This disagreement was only resolved when the federal government became involved. According to Wikipedia, religious diversity and tolerance has also exploded as of late, with some residents of the state living “by other religions such as Pagan, Wicca, Buddhist, and Atheist.” We want to, as a government, recognize and encourage this commitment to diversity.
Finally, Arkansas is experiencing a very special anniversary this year. One hundred and seventy seventh anniversaries have always held a unique place in American tradition, so it is an honor to recognize Arkansas for reaching this milestone. This should also be a moment of reflection for the state as a whole. The Democratic majority of the Senate is very important to me and to Americans everywhere, and in light of that, I encourage all Arkansans to cast their ballots for Mark Pryor in the 2014 elections.
I would like to close by addressing all the other states. Of course each is deserving of this honor, and there is always next year. I wish I could single out all 52 states (I’m looking at you, DC and Puerto Rico) each year, as each one of you deserves it. Except maybe Wyoming, because I am still not convinced that it is actually inhabited. Regrettably, the Wyoming delegation is not with us tonight: they were attempting to hike out of the state when they were mauled by a massive herd of buffalo.
