13 Monarch Butterflies Accidentally Attain American Citizenship

By Maya Handa

May 27, 2013

Thirteen monarch butterflies accidentally completed the United States naturalization process yesterday, becoming full-fledged Americans bound to serve and protect the Constitution.

The butterflies apparently believed they were participating in the natural process of migration, which is innate to their species, but were in fact being guided into citizenship by a free-thinking immigration officer.

“The citizenship test was very hard,” said one butterfly. “But no harder than gnawing myself out of a chrysalis constructed from spit and silk.”

“I thought I was flying through all these hoops so I could migrate seasonally to Mexico, as I usually do,” he or she continued. “I guess my green card was set to expire, so I mistakenly went through the entire citizenship process instead.”

The butterflies first filed paperwork using their ink-dipped proboscides, waitingfor only three years instead of the usual five before proceeding, as they had all accidentally married U.S. citizens the year before.

“Paperwork in this country is certainly confusing,” another butterfly (or possibly the same one) said of his or her accidental marriage. “I thought I was helping decorate the weeding, but it turns out I was at my own wedding.”

The butterflies then collaborated on the citizenship exam, with some turning the pages and others filling out answers.

Later, the butterflieswere required to register for Selective Service, having been under the impression they were dodging wind drafts, instead of the military draft.

The thirteen lepidopterae were sworn in as citizens yesterday, mistakenly believing that they were attending a Shins concert as a last hurrah before they really moved south.

“I don’t have ears,” one butterfly said. “It’s hard to understand what’s going on a lot of the time.”