10 Year Occupation Fails to Find Evidence of Helen in Troy

By Jason of Thebes

Jan. 22, 2016

Early yesterday morning, a devout of Pheme, having climbed the mast of one of Agamemnon’s ships, was heard shouting, certain statements directly contradictory to many of the premises of the Trojan Occupation, now in it’s tenth year.

“There is no evidence that Helen is in Troy,” he said. “No oracles have confirmed her location,”

The pronouncements come after years of war during which the wife of Menelaus has not been seen fromon the field of battle at any point in a 10 year occupation that has seen human sacrifice, constant infighting, an Apollonian plague, and the deployment of the largest fleet Hellas has seen. Adding to the cause for concern, a number of fighting men were asked to describe Helen, and the most common response was “Who?” Further, when asked to locate Troy on a map, only one in five were able to do so.

Menelaus, when confronted with these accusations, was ultimately unable to cite any oracle or revelation confirming the presence of Paris in Troy. At this point, Menelaus called in a soldier whom he claimed had seen Paris. The soldier told messengers that he had seeing Paris in Sparta at Menelaus’ wedding. When asked if he had seen Paris in battle or on the walls of Troy, the soldier told reporters “No, no one has. . . weird.”

Menelaus, upon dismissing the soldier, declared: “Listen, he’s prince of Troy. His father is king. His brother is heir to the throne. Where else would they go?”

Agamemnon told messengers that he was committed to avenging the kidnapping of his brother’s wife even if he had to raze Troy to the ground. “Even if,” said Agamemnon, “we have to use Odysseus’ stupid horse idea.”

Odysseus, when questioned, agreed that the war had taken far longer than expected. “Many of the fighting men are far past the point of homesickness,” Odysseus explained, “myself included.” Odysseus believed the prompt response to Helen’s capture was appropriate, though overblown and conceivably misdirected.

The king from Ithaca pointed out that even though the capture of Helen was the direct cause of the conflict, it was unlikely that retribution would occur. “A lot of gods really want this war to happen, and fight among us.” he noted.

When asked about the “stupidilly horse,” Odysseus laughed himself to tears, admitting he was in no way being serious when he suggested it. “Just imagine forty soldiers climbing out the ass of a giant horse!” said Odysseus, relapsing into another fit of laughter.

Achilles could not be reached for comment.