de’ Medici Family Plans New Restaurant Venture in “Hyde Park, Chicago”
FLORENCE, 1527 – Following their recent exile from the city of Florence, many have assumed that the de’ Medici family have been spending all their time sitting on their massive piles of money as they plot their grand return to the city. But according to inside sources, the formidable dynasty plans to consolidate its power in a different way: by opening a restaurant/bakery in a location known only as “Hyde Park, Chicago.”
A source close to the de’ Medici’s gave the following account of their activities: “Alessandro, the patriarch, has been in the kitchens for hours every day, trying to perfect something he’s calling a ‘hamburger’ – a slab of meat between two slices of bread. Meanwhile, his son Giulio has been down at the ports to ask all the returning sailors if they have yet found this strange, faraway ‘Hyde Park’ in the country of ‘Chicago.’ I tell you, they are plotting something!”
To determine the truth of these rumors, our reporter went undercover as a statue in the de’ Medici garden, where she was able to observe Alessandro de’ Medici commissioning a sculpture of a gargoyle eating bread. de’ Medici said the gargoyle would be “the perfect mascot for our new… project…” before reassuring the sculptor that he would not be murdered upon completing his work. Our condolences to the family, and to the city of Florence, for the evil plot that shall surely spell its doom.
Elena de la Tortellini
