Odyssey Scholars Program replaced by David Rubenstein Sugar Baby Program
Following his previous $50 million donation to renovate Ida Noyes, David Rubenstein announced an extra donation of $100 million to improve the Odyssey Scholars Program.
At a press conference announcing his gift, Rubenstein explained that the program would be guided by a new approach: “You know, at this point, I’ve donated so much money, they should rename the entire university after me. However, I am a very humble man. Instead, I want my latest donation to support the students in the most need. And, I also want to make a statement about the lack of sexual activity on the campus. I’m sorry kids, but y’all need to fuck more.”
To address both issues effectively, the Odyssey Scholars Program will be replaced by the David Rubenstein Sugar Baby Program. Incoming students from low-income backgrounds will be able to come to the school in exchange for their sexual services to the investors of the DRSB fund. At first, the DRSB fund will be funded by David Rubenstein in its entirety; however, more investors can consider joining in the future. Tom Pritzker, member of the UChicago Board of Trustees, has already expressed interest in investing, and more may invest soon.
“You have no idea how horny rich white billionaire men can be,” David Rubenstein smirked. “And, the more of them invest in the fund, the more students we can provide scholarships to.”
The program announcement has received mixed responses by the University community. Many students have expressed discomfort with the idea, arguing it is deeply immoral and undermines the dignity of low-income students. Nonetheless, some students thought otherwise.
“You know, if they added a contest between the students, and the best ones got their letter grades improved, that would be kinda neat,” Joanne Paidactor said in an interview with the Dealer.
Many of the details of the program have yet to be revealed. However, a variety of rumors suggest that the services required by students will become more and more frequent, as more and more investors join the program.
Moreover, based on the rumors, the best performing students will receive an exclusive order to meet with renowned bankers and politicians in an undisclosed Caribbean island. While the purpose of the Caribbean trip is not known, one can assume that this is part of a broader campaign to improve the reputation of the involved billionaires following recent unfortunate events (see: ——-).
9 And on the seventh day, God read Janice Raymond and repented not, saying, "Verily, this woman builds better than she knows," and so promised an Empire to the transgendered.
10 And as a sign, He sent the Star of Paektu to anoint the Christ-as-Supreme-Leader, whose holy lineage would rule until the final days.
11 For it is written that the rapture shall begin when the substance named estrogen be first administered in Pyongyang, and I am but the prophet who shares this news of great salvation.
