Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg

Going to the Reg. Doing your work. Finishing it. Doesn’t that sound nice? Well, too bad, because that @*#$% in the cubicle next to you just had to bring Pringles to the Reg this afternoon! WHY? There are so many quieter snacks they could’ve chosen!!! Do the words “Quiet Zone” mean nothing to them?!?

Here are the five degrees of passive-aggressive stares to make absolutely sure they get the hint and knock it off.

Level 1: The Peek Over the Laptop. Start slowly. Just a tiny peep over the top of your screen to clue them in to how loud they are. You want to believe the best in people. You really do.

Level 2: The Second Peek Over the Laptop. Okay. Fine. They didn’t see your first peek. Do it again, but this time put some feeling into it. Roll your eyes a little. Look annoyed. Say, “I have a SOSC essay due in 5 hours,” but say it with your eyebrows.

Level 3: The Gesture at the Assignment. They must be ignoring you. How else could they miss your second peek? Time to escalate. Drum your pencil on your notebook a little. Give them a taste of the pain they’re inflicting upon you. When they look up to see where the noise is coming from, look at them, then look at your assignment, then stare back at them. Hard.

Level 4: The “Friendly” Reminder. What is wrong with them?!? They know you’re annoyed, yet there they are, just munching away. This is war. Stand up. Push in your chair. Make it squeak. Walk over to the nearest “Quiet Zone” poster. Cough a little. Keep coughing until you’re sure they’re looking. Then point at the poster. Do not break eye contact with them until they, in shame, break eye contact with you.Level 5: The Point of No Return.ANOTHER CRUNCH?!? That’s it. They know you’re mad. They know you have an assignment. They know the library policy. And now, they’ll know you’re not going to put up with their noisy snacking a second longer. As you walk back from the “Quiet Zone” poster, “accidentally” knock their snack off their desk. Disingenuously mouth “Sorry” as they glare at you. Keep staring at them innocently as they report you to the librarians and get you banned from the Reg for life. Decide to study in Harper for the rest of your time at UChicago.