University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
In an email sent out by the University of Chicago administration this Wednesday, the school officially announced its “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan (PMECP).” This exciting new policy, set to start in the 2026-2027 academic year, is designed to ensure students who pass away prior to completing their Core Curriculum requirements will have the opportunity to finish their studies in the afterlife.
Melina Hale, Dean of the College, said: “I believe that the Core plays a unique and formative role for every student, for the insights they provide to us as individuals and as members of communities, regardless of corporeal status.”
With this new and innovative program, eligible students will be automatically enrolled in the PMECP Track. Once enrolled, students will be required to finish all of their Core Curriculum requirements before they are allowed to pass into the afterlife. “Failure to complete requisite credits would potentially result in disciplinary measures such as notes on the student’s transcript, suspension, or eternal damnation.”
Students enrolled in the PMECP can expect the same, if not greater, academic rigor in the afterlife as on the material plane. This will involve weekly problem sets, midterms, language requirements (all students enrolled in this program will be required to take at least three consecutive quarters of Abyssal), and final exams. All material course options will be made available to enrolled students, but discussion-based classes participation grades may be affected by incorporeality.
The University specified that credits earned during a student’s pre-death enrollment will NOT carry over into the afterlife, citing “trans-existential accreditation concerns” for this decision. All enrolled students will start the program with no Core Curriculum credits.
When asked to comment, one recently deceased third-year student said, “I can’t believe they are making me do this shit again. I hate bio. I just want to rest.”
The University also confirmed that tuition will increase for students enrolled under the new plan, following increased costs associated with hosting non-material students. When pressed for comment, a University spokesperson noted that “eternity allows for flexible payment plans.”
“The Life of the Mind is vital to the education of a new generation of well-rounded, thoughtful students. To allow concerns such as the cessation of bodily function to interrupt these studies would be a mark on the University and a failure of our core academic mission.”
