Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp

Horrific news! First-year Jenny Wagner was found dead in her room. Her roommate stumbled upon the scene after returning from class. The culprit? An anthropomorphic lamp Wagner’s roommate bought just last week, which has two legs and a lampshade for a head. 

Through tears, Wagner’s roommate said, “The lamp—it was just something I found on Amazon. I didn’t think it had violent tendencies. The reviews were good… four and a half stars, rounding up.”

Meanwhile, Wagner’s neighbors say they never suspected the lamp. It always sat sullen on the stack of books on her roommate’s nightstand. It’s good to remember that it’s always the quiet ones that get you. 

Still, the item has yet to be flagged on Amazon. Wagner’s roommate hopes to change that, by sending angry DMs to Jeff Bezos on Instagram. (Though she secretly still has the lamp by her side each night.)

If there is one silver lining, it’s that Jenny won’t have to take her finals! So, if you’re worried about your upcoming final exams, make sure to buy a suspiciously shaped, clearly anthropomorphic lamp on Amazon! (Their murderous leanings come with the package.)