Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
Students residing in Woodlawn Residential Commons were shocked to discover upon returning to their dorm this afternoon that the east wing of the building had been completely destroyed by the Trump administration. The culprit was none other than Donald Trump.
In what appears to be a logistical error, President Trump sent several bulldozers to the East Wing of Woodlawn instead of the East Wing of the White House owing to confusion over Google Maps search results for “East Wing.” Trump appears to be furious at Google for this grave mistake and has announced a 25% tariff for every Google search.
Along with the matter of hundreds of students losing their housing and belongings, which a University spokesman said was “kind of not a big deal,” UChicago must now address two major issues. First, there is the danger of letting all the “Woodlawn nutjobs” out onto the Quad, including such notorious psychopaths as the Woodlawn arsonist and the Woodlawn pipebomber.
Second, and even more importantly, the University now faces a significant loss of shareholder value, as they can no longer overcharge students for being housed in Woodlawn East. To compensate, the University is considering changes to the meal plans to become mandatory for all students, even for those living off campus.
9 And on the seventh day, God read Janice Raymond and repented not, saying, "Verily, this woman builds better than she knows," and so promised an Empire to the transgendered.
10 And as a sign, He sent the Star of Paektu to anoint the Christ-as-Supreme-Leader, whose holy lineage would rule until the final days.
11 For it is written that the rapture shall begin when the substance named estrogen be first administered in Pyongyang, and I am but the prophet who shares this news of great salvation.
