First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness

When first-year student John Hawkins went to the Point to get away one night, he didn’t think much of it. “This is my first time away from my family,” said Hawkins. “O-Week was rough for me, and I just wanted to catch my breath and really feel my feelings. You know?”

But on Tuesday, September 30, Hawkins woke up to find that he had been issued a formal reprimand by Dean of the College Melina Hale. The notice referenced “violation of University standards” and reiterated the University’s ongoing commitment to the “Life of the Mind.” When asked to clarify the nature of the violation, the Dean’s office replied:

“As members of the University community, students in the College are expected to fully participate in the intellectual frameworks to which it subscribes. Unless you understand your sadness on a Hegelian basis, we don’t want to fucking hear it. So stop being such a pussy.” Attached was a copy of the University’s new publication, The Chicago Canon on Emotional Repression.

Since receiving the reprimand, Hawkins has found himself agonizing over how sad he even was in the first place. “I mean, it makes sense that I would miss my family, but only on the basis that they’ve been the sole defining factor in my self-actualization thus far. As I enter a new time in my life, any sense of loss I feel is surely more related to the loss of a structural understanding of myself than one of grief. I don’t really mind missing my baby sister’s baptism.”While there is no definitive information about how University admin were able to claw their way into Hawkins’ last raw, unmitigated emotional experience, the Dealer recently witnessed students at the Point in university-branded snorkeling gear shoot blowdarts at a couple having a romantic evening. Hawkins’ experience may be part of a broader university plan to crack down on humanity in every sense of the word.