First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
Buckle up—first-year Henry Pacemaker has declared his intention to finish college in just one year and graduate with the Class of 2026. If successful, he would defeat the current record held by Jack McSprint, an alumnus who graduated with the Class of 1994 in two and a half years with a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy.
A faculty member who spoke on condition of anonymity told the Dealer that they had received several dozen petitions from Pacekamer to take additional classes in less than two weeks. Each petition included Pacemaker’s Venmo username and an offer to pay $1,000 for every approval. The faculty member stated that the office has not yet reached a decision regarding these petitions.
Pacemaker, however, is confident that his petitions will succeed. “Having 14 classes a quarter is the minimum I’ll accept,” he told the Dealer in an exclusive interview. “We need 42 classes to graduate, so this works out evenly. Besides, it’s a win-win. I get to save a couple hundred thousand in tuition money, and they get a couple extra thousand dollars from me this year and an extra spot for a transfer student who has to pay this tuition next year.
“I’m graduating with a degree in Philosophy,” he explained. “McSprint is a huge inspiration to me, and I hope to follow in his footsteps—only a lot quicker.”
The Dealer also spoke to McSprint for his thoughts on Pacemaker’s endeavor. “Whatever he ends up saving on tuition will be spent on energy drinks, caffeine tablets, and decades of therapy,” he said. “So, all in all, a much better use of money.”
Andrea Zhou — a self-proclaimed hot chocolate fanatic — is co-editor-in-chief. She has written and edited a number of articles for The Shady Dealer, and aspires to finish college with over a hundred articles under her name.
