Harris and Trump Unveil Matching Tattoos in Show of Bipartisanship
WASHINGTON – In a dramatic display of national unity and bipartisanship, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump announced on Monday that they had gotten matching tattoos.
“We may not see eye-to-eye on every issue, but, as our dope-ass new tats make clear, there will always be more that unites us as Americans than what divides us,” Harris and Trump–the Democratic and Republican nominees for president, respectively–said in a joint statement. “In this turbulent political climate, it’s essential that we not lose sight of our common values, not the least of which being how fuckin’ sick the two of us look.”
The presidential opponents were unable to contain their excitement as they rolled up their sleeves to reveal matching anthropomorphic, sunglasses-wearing zebras sipping grape juice out of a straw on their forearms.
“Is that cool or what, man?” Harris murmured, as all those present breathlessly agreed that it was.
Harris and Trump also used the press conference as an opportunity to show off their new handshake, which lasts twenty-seven seconds, involves nineteen distinct movements, and is the raddest thing you’ve ever seen in your life.
The new tattoos received an overwhelmingly positive response on Capitol Hill.
“It’s not only extremely refreshing, but also vitally important that our leaders show the American people that they’re willing to put aside their differences when it comes to the things that really matter,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson (R).
Senator Ron Wyden (D-Oregon) told the Dealer, “They just look so fucking cool, dude. I mean, shit–just look at them!”
Following their press conference, Harris and Trump announced on X (formerly known as Twitter) that they would be going on a nationwide tour giving Americans across the country a chance to see, touch, and even sniff their new ink. The tour will begin this Friday in Anchorage, Alaska, with tickets available at all RadioShack locations.
Griffin is the deputy managing editor for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
