UChicago Announces Plans To Replace Campus Shuttles With Piggyback Rides
UChicago announced this week that it would begin phasing out its on-campus shuttles, replacing them with piggyback rides provided by members of the administration. This change, which comes as the University faces unprecedented financial challenges, will see President Paul Alivasatos and other members of the University’s senior leadership carrying students around campus and adjacent areas of Hyde Park.
In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want to go,” said President Alivasatos, jogging frantically in place and wearing a boyish grin. “Ratner? Done. The Metra station? Done. If you need me to go faster, just smack me on my haunches like a horse and ride this bronco into the sunset.”
“We at the University of Chicago are continually searching for new ways to provide our students with rich educational opportunities and affordable, efficient methods of transportation. We look forward to this new chapter in the school’s history,” said Provost Katherine Baicker as she lifted two first-years above her head and spirited them across the midway.
In other news, UChicago recently introduced the VIA Transport service as a replacement for the school’s free Lyft program, which transported students around Hyde Park during the evening and night. In addition to this new service, the University has also announced the JIM program, in which Dean of Admissions Jim Nondorf pulls you to your dorm like an Alaskan sled dog.
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
