Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth

Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.” When asked for a statement, Dean Rasmussen replied “I firmly believe that students will “KEKW” more if they stay in the dorms and follow protocol. It will most certainly be “OMEGALUL” if we can all comply with these guidelines. Many students have been “jabaited” and have forgotten the health pact that they agreed to, and it is crucial that we, as a community, join together and press F to pay respects to the well-being of our community.” The Dealer is baffled at this strange move, happy that they are taking initiative, and one can only begin to guess where Dean Rasmussen learned how to talk like this. It seems the administration is getting truly desperate, and is willing to try anything to stop the spread of COVID-19 and help our community. 

When asked about what they thought of this statement, a student* said that Dean Rasmussen was “clearly one of the homeslices” and that they “felt motivated to comply with all these guidelines, because following rules is cool!” Only time will tell if the rest of the student body also understands how cool staying safe and following protocol is. ** On an unrelated note, the basement of Cobb sure is a cool place to hang out!

*A member of the administration that chose to go by the name “student” for the purposes of this article. 

**They are forcing me to write this. Please help. It’s been 3 days, they only give me saltines to eat.