Top 8 People Who Are Not in the Illuminati of 2012
By Becky Stoner
Jan. 3, 2013
Ke$ha: This pop artist/sex icon has managed to climb the pop charts with absolutely no help from any underground conspiracies.
Sea Punks: How did these turquoise-haired, porpoise-tattooed, Lisa Frank-loving freaks manage to maintain such a large presence in the scene world? You say Illuminati, I say everyone freakin’ loves dolphins.
Vanilla Ice: Some may claim that the Illuminati represent the strongest force backing white rappers today. However, these people are clearly senseless conspiracy mongers, and should be pushed off a pyramid (of enlightenment).
Chris Brown: Famously, this R&B star posted pictures on Twitter of a tattoo rife with Illuminati symbolism. Was the tension between him and Rihanna actually inter-cult feuding? Are her injuries actually a result of a witchcraft-and-Lucifer- based approach to life in the bedroom? I think the Illuminati connection is just one more way to try and excuse Chris Brown from accusations of domestic violence. “The cult made me do it!” it is the oldest trick in the book. No dice, Chris.
E.L. James: Her stratospheric rise to fame on the back of what is arguably the shittiest series of softcore S&M erotica has led many to question her background, motivations, and affection for the free world. Yet fear not, innocent civilians: the only New World Order she’s interested in erecting involves nipple clamps and spanking. Plus, she’s obviously into capitalismwhy else would she have her romantic lead make $100,000 an hour?
Dan Brown: Many of us, upon reading Angels and Demons for the first time, experienced a disturbing chill. Hair raised on my arms as I wondered: why is there a random black hair on my arm, am I not a natural blonde? Could this novel be the most brilliant disguise ever for a Harvard professor-cum-Illuminati member? Who would suspect that the man who is responsible for reigniting so much conversation about the Illuminati was actually in the Illuminati? However, upon finishing the book, it was not clear that Dan Brown would be capable of such a daring fiction.
The Founding Fathers: While these dudes are not exactly of 2012, it’s worth debunking the conspiracy theory once again. Of all the rumors about the founding fathers, the Illuminati connection is the most persistentexcept, of course, for the one where the true purpose of the Second Amendment is revealed to be “more guns in schools.”
The Brotherhood of Shaving: The fearsome word “Brotherhood” rings proud and clear from their company name. Their advertisements give instructions on negotiating strategies and persuasion techniques. They have a strong underground presence, at least in the subways of New York, which is after all the financial capital of this country. They sell razors. Should we be scared? I think not. Upon visiting a store I realized the most violence that would be inflicted upon me was an involuntary lather and shave by an overly friendly 20-something named Kevin.
