Zimmer Pregnant With Twins: Shadi Bartsch Shocked to Learn She Is Not the Father

By Ben Boyajian

April 25, 2013

In breaking news, Robert Zimmer, President of the University, has announced that he is pregnant with twins. Zimmer’s pregnancy came as a surprise – especially given the fact that he is outside the age range typically considered safe for childbearing. With the odds against him, Zimmer expressed delight at the unexpected news. “It’s a miracle! I’ve always wanted to have a baby!” When asked about his previous three children, Zimmer replied, “They don’t count.”

Zimmer revealed that his wife, Shadi Bartsch, with whom he has not had intimate relations in fifteen months, is not the father of the twins. Zimmer commented that “Shadi and I made the decision to use a donor together, given the risk associated with a man of my age bearing twins.”

Shadi Bartsch is reported to have been shocked by the news of Zimmer’s pregnancy. “Science is certainly against us here,” admitted Bartsch. “But we couldn’t be more excited and pleased with the miracle that Robby’s fertility specialist has managed. It’s really unusual to see a sixty-five year old bearing twins, but my husband is truly young at heart.” she said,

Zimmer’s maternity style has drawn the attention of national media. Photos of the University President wearing a Hawaiian shirt and skinny jeans over a flower print dress surfaced on the Internet, later making the front page of the National Enquirer. “Zimmer is the new ‘in’ celebrity,” remarked sociology professor Alan Davis, “and it looks like he is edging out Kim Kardashian and Kate Middleton in terms of popularity.”

Zimmer reported that his body has been responding well to the pregnancy, but registered a few complaints. “I have to go to the bathroom like, all the time. And oh my God – I’M SO HORMONAL! Ahhhhh!” said Zimmer, who curled up on his couch and sobbed quietly to himself for half an hour while frantically kissing a rubber duck.

The gender of the unborn twins remain unknown. A Zimmer spokesperson has announced that the twins will be named Stick and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, regardless of gender.