98% of North Koreans Unable to Find a Map in North Korea

By Sam Spiegel

April 25, 2013

In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of North Korean children are unable to locate a map.

“These numbers are very shocking,” said an official within the NKDoE, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was so embarrassed by the results. “Where are those 2% of children finding maps? We need to know, so we can keep this cartographic disaster from further corrupting our youth.”

The survey was conducted at the order of Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un in order to determine how aware North Korean youth are of the outside world. When reached for comment, Glorious Leader Jong-Un’s press secretary said, “Kim JongUn, glory be unto him, has no time for your games.”

“Our goal is to reach 100%,” continued the anonymous official. “We want to ensure that not a single child in North Korea knows that there is a world outside of North Korea.”

American analysts say that this survey reveals some enlightening facts about North Korea.

“Firstly, it shows us that there is a healthy resistance movement within North Korea,” said Isaac Siegmund, a state department official. “That 2% are taking great risks to learn that there are countries which exist outside of North Korea.”

According to Siegmund, this survey was typical of North Korea, and reminiscent of the 2003 survey that the nation conductedshowing that 84% of North Koreans were unfamiliar with the Korean word for “freedom.”

In a similar study earlier this year in the United States, 94% of students were unable to find North Korea on a map of the Korean Peninsula.