Occidental Institute Begins Study of “Baseball”

By Jeremy Archer

Oct. 20, 2013

CHICAGO – Researchers at the University of Chicago’s Occidental Institute have announced a bold new archaeological initiative to pinpoint the true nature, and ultimate social function, of the ball game known as “baseball.”

“We believe this sport represented the cornerstone of… something, because it would be pretty stupid for people to get so excited about a game somebody else gets to play,” wrote James Hendricksen, a researcher at Cornell. “We suspect there was a social construct involved, or whatever.”

Lacking the frantic explosions of later innovations like The Minecraft and Grand Theft Auto: V, the reputed “pastime” has anthropologists perplexed as to what, exactly, its fans enjoyed about it. The record they’ve found is spotty. “It’s America’s game, baseball,’ wrote one Chicago Cubs baseball club fan. ‘Baseball is eating a some dogs and havin a beer with friends, baseball.” No researchers consulted were able to decipher this claim.

Indiana Dunes, the Institute’s adventurous leader,  is leading the research effort. . At press time, however, Dunes was unavailable for comment following an earlier expedition into the true contents of “hot dogs.”