Student with Hardest Life Definitely Todd

By Mark Sands

Nov. 9, 2013

A massive, longitudinal study has determined that Todd Johnson, a third-year in the College, has live leads thehardest most difficult life of any University of Chicago student. The study, conducted by graduate students Carl Christianson and Max Gruber in the Sociology department, can finally put an end to student contests over who has the hardest, most demanding, and most stressful schedule.

The study will compare schools across the nation, which has been divided into Eastern, Central, and Western divisions. MIT and Caltech are heavily favored in the East and West respectively. The contest for the wildcard spot is intense, and a reality TV show based on the study has already been picked up.

Kathleen Calbot, another student who was considered for the title, was “terrified” of coming in second. “Can you imagine the embarrassment? Every time someone saw you, they would just think that you were weaker than the champion,” she said. “Of course, those findings are completely wrong. I obviously work harder than little Todd over there.”

The facts may not support Calbot. Two of Todd’s classes are graded using an innovative new system: he has weekly midtermsin which only the lowest two scores count toward his grade. Johannes Q. Pressley III, University Professor of Thermo-Quantum Economics, said, “this system really requires students to master all the material. If you have one bad day, everyone will know.”

“Todd worries if he misses his third all-nighter in a week. Two really doesn’t cut it for him these days,” Todd’s roommate said. “Friday nights are his least favorite part of the week, since someone had the nerve to close all the libraries then.”

Whenever it is open, Todd bunkers down on the top floor of Crerar, where even the energetic taps of non-regulars typing are frowned upon. A floor-mate of his, fourth-year Physics graduate student Eric Thomson, said “there’s really a lot of bonding up there. I can’t say that I’ve ever said a word to him, but I really feel like I know him by now. He’s really the most regular of the regulars.”

Gruber corroborated this account, pointing out that no other student got within 80 percent of Todd’s stress level. “Really, I wish it was a lot closer, because then we could have made more of a contest out of it. As is, it’s just sad. How is one person capable of doing that to everyone else? He makes us all look bad,” he said.

Todd was not able to comment for this article. Reached by email, he said, “I have two midterms, three p-sets, two papers, and a project due tomorrow, let alone the day after that, so no comment on your story. After all, shouldn’t you be working or something? You’re clearly not very good at being a student. I will crush you, just like I crush everyone at those other lazy schools.”