Final Exam more of a Beginning, says Asshole Professor

By Evan Bernstein

Nov. 9, 2013

“Don’t think of it as a final,” were Professor Walt Neilson’s first words to his class Tuesday morning. “The term ‘final’ characterizes tomorrow’s exam as some kind of be-all-end-all-doomsday-apocalypse that it simply isn’t,” the unashamed professor said to his half-asleep class. “Approach your exams tomorrow with the optimism and hopefulness you would any new challenge. Dive into them with the spirit and joy you’d have for a, I don’t know, football match.”

Neilson’s words went largely unappreciated by the sleepy class of forty-two, all eager to return to their rooms for a long-awaited afternoon nap. When asked about that part of the lecture, second year Maggie Collins shrugged. “I don’t know. I kinda thought I was prepared before. Now I’m not so sure.” Other reactions were lukewarm at best. Third-year Jonathan Alper, asked whether he was inspired by the professor’s words, replied, “You know that head bob thing? Where your eyes start to close and then you suddenly jerk your head up and remember where you are and it happens over and over? So yeah, pretty much.” Other students present for Neilson’s pre-test lecture reported that he used the phrases “learning experience”, “diagnostic opportunity”, and “evaluative class-onomics” when describing the exam to be administered the next day.

Said an anonymous student who enrolled in Neilson’s course last year, “he does that every quarter. He gets all Zen on you and he’s like, ‘It’s not a test, it’s a feeling,’ or whatever, and then your grades come back and you get a B-minus’.”

.