Breast Cancer Becomes Aware

By Morgan Pantuck

Dec. 24, 2013

After decades of painstaking medical research and ardent fundraising efforts, Breast Cancer finally became aware during a thunderstorm last Tuesday morning at 3:52 AM PST. According to reports, a tissue sample incubating in a biology lab at MIT began acting strangely at about 2:15 AM, glowing and bubbling until it covered the entire petri dish. Just before 4:00 AM, it released a startling howl, followed by groans of “Oh god, oh god, what have I done? What have I done!?”

“We’re positively thrilled with the outcome,” said Janelle Hail, founder of the Breast Cancer Awareness movement. “I’ve been trying to raise Breast Cancer awareness for decades, but I never thought I’d live to see it gain actual sentience.”

This miraculous feat was accomplished with a combination of scientific method and dark magic. Researchers only spoke to each other in Latin, and sacrificed a goat every full moon for the duration of the study. “One month, we ran out of goats and had to use a virgin instead,” recalls Dr. Matthew Thompson, head engineer for the project. “Yeah, poor Linda. She was a great intern.”

While the event marks an important milestone for the scientific community, much research remains to be done. “Now that breast cancer is finally conscious, we can move on to raising awareness for other things, like global warming and GMOs,” explains Dr. Thompson. “GMOs are already pretty freaky, so it shouldn’t be too hard.”

According to Dealer sources, Breast Cancer now spends most of its time volunteering at local hospitals and touring in support of its new memoir, “Chronicles of a Carcinogen.”