Dean Boyer: “This Weekend is Weed Weekend”

By Evan Bernstein

Dec. 24, 2013

Citing the stress of midterms and the “total need for some chillaxing,” Dean Boyer has declared a campus-wide “weed weekend” beginning January 16th, 2014. Although the traditional weekend lasts from Saturday to Sunday, Boyer noted in a campus-wide email blast that extending the weed weekend to include Thursday, Friday, and the following Monday would really give students the chance to “bro out” and “just hang” for an additional three days. The Dean of the College and Martin A. Ryerson Distinguished Service Professor in History also stated in the hastily written electronic communication that unnamed persons in the University of Chicago community had lately been “super up-tight” and “jank as fuck.” Boyer’s reasoning is summed up in the following excerpt from the email received by all 5,369 undergraduates in the College and all UChicago faculty:

It seems like every day here, someone’s like, “Do this” or “Do that” or “I need a draft of the statement by noon” or whatever. And I’m like, seriously, chill-the-fuck-out. Okay? It’s life! Live it, ya know? This whole school is in need of some serious downtime. And I know just the herb that can provide, if you know what I mean 😉

Boyer also suggested that students “Hot-Box” the Cobb Lecture Hall, to create what he repeatedly referred to as a “Cobb-Box.” Contained within the two-thousand word email which ended with “Sent from my highPhone, lol” was a list of suggested activities for weed weekend:

Circle up on the quad and just pass one.

Throw some disc.

Talk about meaningful shit.

Order pizza.

Get the band back together.

Think up a new mantra.

Put on Jake’s Floyd records.

Although Dean Boyer did not directly address where or how students could obtain the Schedule 1 narcotic, he did suggest that students and faculty “share the wealth” and “don’t hoard,” while also encouraging the college community to “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.” Student reactions to the declaration have been largely positive, although some faculty still have doubts. When asked for comment, President Zimmer responded with a single menacing glare.

In preparation for weed weekend, the Maroon Market has doubled its orders for Pringles, Chex Mix, and Ben and Jerry’s “Dark Side of the Moo” ice cream.

As always, The Shady Dealer reminds you to stay safe this weed weekend. Prolonged marijuana use can be damaging to the brain. Be smart. Be safe. Be prepared.