War on Drugs Considered After Diplomatic Talks Break Down

By Alexander Dunlap (1971)

Jan. 25, 2014

After weeks of bilateral negotiations regarding quitting rights, rates of metabolism, and access to key neurotransmitters, Sarah Rodriguez, United States Ambassador to Drugs, announced last night that “there is little hope of reaching an agreement with Drugs regarding several key issues in our ongoing dispute.” Sources report that President Nixon has asked his advisers to prepare a plan for war in the event that diplomatic negotiations continue to stagnate.

The news came shortly after a hostage incident in which Drugs detained several American tourists. An attempt by the U.S. government to extricate them failed after the hostages refused to get on the helicopter. “We like Drugs!” exclaimed hostage Jules Bernstein, 39, as he and his compatriots violently clung to their captors. (Bernstein’s visa, which curiously lacked an expiration date, indicated that he had been visiting Drugs for recreational purposes before his detainment and subsequent brainwashing.) U.S. authorities decried the subsequent propaganda footage, widely disseminated by the Drugs government, of the American hostages making grandiose, clearly coerced statements extolling the virtues of Drugs. “These heinous abuses perpetuated by Drugs cannot be allowed to continue,” declared Ambassador Rodriguez.

Members of Congress were divided regarding the advisability of war. Representative Evangeline Unger (D-Calif.) released a statement supporting economic sanctions against Drugs in lieu of military action. “Frankly, Drugs needs us,” said Unger at a press conference. “Without the 14.8 billion dollars in annual aid provided by the U.S. government, and the additional hundreds of billions of dollars in private investment, Drugs’s economy would just collapse. Just reduce this drip by a little bit, and they’ll give us whatever we want.” Unger’s view was supported by a recently-declassified report indicating that vehicle traffic in Drugs has reached “critical levels of congestion” and that costly infrastructure improvements are needed to support the nation’s export trade.

Other leaders were less optimistic about the probable success of peaceful solutions. When asked for his position on sanctions and continued talks, Senator Jim Perkins (R-Ill.) said, “no” and declined to comment further. University of Chicago political scientist John Mearsheimer declared that negotiations with Drugs had “absolutely gone to pot,” and that war was inevitable. Governor Lynette Huckleberry (R-Ind.), whose state lies very close to Drugs, demanded that the federal government “act against Drugs with extreme prejudice to reduce thethreat it poses to the State of Indiana.”

Yesterday, the Nixon Administrationclaimed that “no option is off the table,” but sources close to the president indicated that Nixon had initiated efforts to weed out members of the government with ties to Drugs in preparation for a coming military conflict. The administration refused to confirm or deny rumors that the entire staff of the CIA had been fired.