Tour Guide Lies

By Evan Bernstein

Feb. 22, 2014

According to sources familiar with the matter, UChicago tour guide Eric Wilson unabashedly lied to a group of prospective undergraduates at 3:35 p.m. Central Standard Time last Thursday. The tour group was walking through the Harper Quad when one student reportedly inquired about the quality of student-organized social events in and around campus. Completely disregarding the party where Jackie spilled all her beer on him last Saturday, Wilson answered that “parties here are totally cool” and a “really fun way to relax” on the weekends.

Wholly forgetting how he had to wait twenty-five minutes in the snow for the bus, wearing wet clothes and no gloves, Wilson went on to describe how “UChicago parties are just like other college parties,” where “everyone has a really great time.” Wilson overlooked the past three Friday night parties he had attended, at which he drunkenly tried to kiss five different women who all individually rejected him, as he elaborated, “you can really go as hard as you want to. It’s not like there’s lots of people pressuring you to drink a lot and then you make a fool of yourself or anything.”

As the students exited the Regenstein Library less than fifteen minutes later, a high school junior in the tour group asked Wilson about the workload at the University. Apparently forgetting the previous four nights he had spent in that very building working until two or three in the morning, Wilson told the group of naive seventeen-year-olds that “it’s not overwhelming” and that “it’s totally doable if you manage your time well.” Flat-out ignoring the countless times he has passed out on top of a stack of books while studying, Wilson added that “it’s not like people pass out on stacks of books while studying or anything.”

As they passed the University Bookstore, one “prospie,” as they’re referred to by current students, inquired as to the nature of exams at the rigorous institution. Wilson answered that  “tests aren’t that bad,” the past two and two-thirds years of his life clearly ignored, In defiance of his entire personal experience at the University of Chicago, Wilsonwent on to say, “you only really have one midterm and one final exam each quarter.” With an amazing feat of mental gymnastics, that apparently left the third-year tour guide without any memory of every test he has taken as a University of Chicago undergraduate, Wilson offered that “exams are seriously nothing to worry about. People don’t leave tests crying, so upset that they forget their backpack on the shuttle, or anything.”

As the party made their way back to Rosenwald Hall, Wilson was asked by a parent about the extreme nature of the winter weather. A source who asked to remain anonymous confirmed to The Dealer that Wilson, after a long pause, smiled at the group and led them inside.