Pope Declares Infanticide Only Legitimate Birth Control

By Matthew Goldenberg

Feb. 22, 2014

In a speech Monday, Pope Francis decreed that infanticide is the only form of birth control that the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics are permitted to use.

As recently as January, Francis publicly expressed support for the longstanding Church teaching that abstinence from sexual intercourse was the only way to prevent unwanted pregnancies. However, the “abstinence only” method of birth control has long faced criticismon the grounds of its failure to account for the Virgin Birth, wherein Mary gave birth to Jesus without having had sex. Yesterday, His Holiness finally recognized the legitimacy of these claims.

“The Catholic Church recognizes the disparity between Biblical history and our recommendations,” said Pope Francis, addressing a packed house in St. Peter’s Basilica. “In reality, women can become pregnant at any time, with or without sex. I think it is therefore prudent to change the guidelines. From now on, the only way to prevent unwanted pregnancy is to wait for fetuses to be born and then dispose of them.”

Francis went on the say that he was “pretty sure” that God would grant exceptions to unwilling parents forced to murder their children, and would not c mandate their eternal burning in the fires of Hell.

Furthermore, the Church will release guidelines on how to commit perform perform infanticide in the most humane and god-fearing manner possible. Techniques will be demonstrated on how to drown, suffocate, and otherwise brutally kill a cute, innocent baby that did nothing to deserve this horrific fate.

“We want to make sure that unprepared parents have the tools and knowledge they need to ensure the infanticide is carried out smoothly,” the Pope said.

Political and social analysts are citing the announcement as further evidence that Pope Francis is trulyseeking to liberalize the Catholic Church.

“The permission to use birth control, combined with his attitude toward homosexuals, proves that we can expect Francis to have a prolifically liberalizing papacy,” said Harold Modnoc, Professor of Theology at Duke University. “This is going to usher in a new era for Catholics.”

Nevertheless, the Church has faced harsh criticism from concerned Catholics. Some say that the Pope has selected the “nuclear option” by allowing infanticide. They argue that the children should be allowed to live at least 7 years so they can truly appreciate Catholicism and understand why they must be viciously sacrificed. Many people voiced the opinion that to kill children while they are fresh from womb is “un-Catholic” behavior.

“What’s next? Cannibalism for communion?” wondered James Zay, a practicing Catholic from Massachusetts. “This is totally unethical.”

Pope Francis has appeared unfazed by this criticism. He stressed in his speech that the core values of the Church have not changed.

“Catholicism still promotes friendship and the love of mankind,” Francis stated, “We should not lose sight of this.”

Concluding his speech, Francis urged Catholics to pray for an end to abortion.