How an Asteroid Destroying the Earth Affects the 2016 Presidential Election

By Morgan Pantuck

Feb. 24, 2014

With the next presidential race only two short years away, it’s time to start seriously speculating about the outcome of the 2016 election. Prominent political analysts have presented a wide range of hypotheses based on everything from conjectures to guesstimates. This election hinges on several complex issues, and pundits have debated the influence of many fundamentally unpredictable factors. However, nobody seems to have considered one particularly crucial question:

How will the 2016 election be affected if a meteor hits the Earth and destroys literally all human life?

This phenomenon would have a major impact on the number of minority voters, who tend to heavily favor the Democratic Party. The number of black, Hispanic and Asian American voters has been steadily increasing: they are expected to make up 30% of the vote in 2016, and 32% in 2020. If all the minorities are dead, Democrats will suffer a significant deficit at the polls.

We also have to consider the potential economic effects. Democrats cannot hope to retain control of the White House unless Obama manages to pull the country out of its economic recession. Total annihilation would almost certainly affect stock values, foreign investments, and the physical infrastructure of every American business. However, according to certain analysts, it might actually lower the unemployment rate to 0.0%.

The success of the Affordable Care Act also hangs in the balance. Though the ACA is extremely unpopular with Republicans and Independents, Democrats claim the policies will become more accepted over time should they prove effective. The ACA will only work if the 3.3 million people that signed up for Obamacare continue to use the service, and do not die in a fiery collision with a billion-year-old space rock.

In addition, some argue that a meteor will make Hillary Clinton’s face seem less frightening by comparison, while still others claim that Republicans will thrive in a hellish environment, because – as agents of Satan – they are accustomed to living in flames.

However, these are complex and multifaceted issues, which we cannot hope to definitively resolve in one short article. Only Armageddon will tell which outlandish argument coincidentally triumphs over its equally groundless counterargument.

Make sure to check back next week for “If You Step on a Crack, Will the Green Party Have a Chance?”