Prohibition is the Moral Cause of Our Time

By Concerned  Citizen Alphonse Capone

Hello, my name is Alphonse Capone, a humble Chicago resident and humble laundromat owner, definitely not up to any illicit activities. I merely write as a concerned capo – I mean, citizen.

In my business, I have always gone by the words, “you can get more of what you want with a kind word and fun then you can with just a kind word.” Why does one need alcohol to have fun? The only high I need is when the L leans into a turn where the tracks have no railings, making me wonder if the train will fall off for a few seconds. I love that rush. It’s second only to when I heard of the St. Valentine’s Day Massac – I definitely wasn’t about to say massacre! I mean “mass sacrament” at my church, where we spread love for each other and our lord. Shame on you for assuming I’m affiliated with crime in any way, shape, or form.

Anyway, I assure you I am a total teetotaler. Bootleggers are scum, and I have no respect for them. Telling people to not do something they are accustomed to doing for years without reinforcement works! Just ask the states that teach abstinence-only sex education. Why does wine need to represent the blood of Christ? Is the intoxication of the love of our Lord and Savior insufficient? Why not use real blood? The blood of the Lord should cleanse one of intoxication and disease.

I stand against the gangsters, rival mobsters, and undesirable types peddling this devilish brew. In addition to purging society of alcoholic beverages, I just want my son to live in a world free of crime lords, the Mafia, and fictional media about crime gangs. Wait, did I say Mafia? What kind of made-up word is that? Silly me. Elliot Ness is a personal hero of mine, and I wish him all the best in his great crusade. I even had my goons (my friendly name for my laundromat workers) send him and his family letters with black hands in them, a traditional Italian-American token of appreciation! I sincerely hope he and the other Untouchables are actually touchable, because I just want to give them a hug for their hard work. Maybe I’ll bump into him on an elevator sometime! Maybe they’ll make a movie about our lasting friendship.

And for the last time, no, I’m not a fucking crime lord.